Saturday, October 01, 2011
i seriously don't what's the matter with me.. i get so emo these days that sometimes i can even stand it myself..
like i said in the previous post, my tears keep running but i still feel very bad.. i know that he tried his very best to give me everything that i want, but it's the little things that he couldn't provide that will make me feel so deprived..
i have been staying at his place for the nights.. reason is because it's our church's 130th anniversary celebration and that we have rehearsals and spiritual meetings that end quite late.. but during the two nights, we have been sleeping apart.. for all the previous times when i stay at his place, with his parents around, we have been sleeping apart.. this has caused a great displeasure inside me that i can never contain.. i have been voicing to him my displeasure since the very beginning, but he says there's nothing he can do as his parents are more tradition.. however, what i feel is that every time he has come to my place, he has never been asked to sleep away from me.. maybe in the beginning, he had to sleep on a mattress on the floor, but it's still in my room and we have each other's presence.. and honestly, he didn't have to sleep on a mattress for more than five times.. however, i have been sleeping on a mattress on the floor of his computer room without his presence for all my past stays.. because of this, i keep telling him that i do not understand why i should stay at his place and sleep without him on a mattress when i could have just gone home.. at least i would be on my own bed.. it's not as if when i stay at his place, we get to sleep together.. we don't even sleep in the same room, why bother asking me to stay at his place? i really do not understand it..
although he keeps saying that with me at his place, he gets to kiss me whenever he wants and that he could see me before he sleeps and once he wakes up.. but seriously, when we're not in the same room, i won't be the last person he sees when he sleep and the first person he sees when he wakes up as he sleeps with his brother..
i know that i complain a lot when i should be grateful.. but sometimes i really can't control myself..
i just want to get married to him and finally officially call him as my own.. and that we can finally belong to each other and no longer need to have the approval of parents in order to have simple things like to sleep together.. it's just his presence in my life that i need him and it's just that i need the security of him being with me and by my side.. why can't i have what should be mine?
haiz..
blue @ 11:04 PM
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