Wednesday, January 23, 2008
although things hav been better between me n my classmates.. but sometimes it's still so obvious that my absense is better.. they seem so happy together.. much happier than when i'm ard.. seem like i'm the one who spoils their day..
y am i saying tis, it's coz during fyp presentation last fri.. when i went away wif jasper n sze kiat.. the gang had great fun together n they took so many photos.. wat abt me? i was jus away.. they didnt really bother abt having me in part of their photos.. tat simply means that i'm nt a part of the group.. doesnt it?
sometimes i'm so glad that i no longer need to be wif them coz i'm graduating soon.. but it still hurts alot coz i had loved their friendship n company alot.. but since that idiotic fight happened.. things changed.. n i feel so much like dying tis days..
life sucks..
it sucks big time.. n i kne jasper will say i'm so much better than he is.. but my life still sucks in my point of view.. it jus sucks..
haiz..
feel like dying.. zzz..
blue @ 6:48 PM
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008
there are alot of such times when i think about my life and feel so sick of it.. mainly when i see that people around me have done so much in their lifes and i'm still as i am.. nothing accomplished to make myself feel proud about.. nothing much i did to make other people feel proud about me..
i know it's my own fault that my life is so useless.. it's mainly coz i'm not doing anything to improve things.. it's always easy for me to say i'll work hard and i'll start making my life better.. but in the end, my laziness will get the better of me.. and in the end, nothing will be done.. there have been alot of such incidents and i really feel so much like killing myself..
friends are all nw studying in universities that they chose.. some friends are even doing business already.. what have i done so far? seriously, nothing at all..
my polytechnic years are coming to an end.. 2 years with this group of friends.. i guess i've learnt alot.. but on the other hand, i'm not sure what i've actually learnt.. the first year was alright.. more on the making friends finding my place stage.. den second year i became vice-president of the flag football club.. it wasnt even election or anything.. i asked for the position.. i really ASKED for it.. was also the class representitve.. but things just had to go bad when i thought i was really happy.. friends expressed their dislikes about me.. everything seems to be my fault.. i've been in the wrong since the beginning..
nw.. although the group it back together.. no more fights.. but things are so different.. i'm no longer at ease when i'm with the group.. i try to be nice n try to shut my mouth unless my opinion is really necessary.. i stay at the back of the group n usually alone.. i no longer feel the sense of belonging and it's more like i'm apart than a part..
tomorrow will be my birthday and although i'm excited, but i feel otherwise as well.. it's like, i hope that things will be great tomorrow but i doubt things will.. i kne i'll be receiving presents from the group but i dont feel as happy as i did last year.. i was so excited to be spending my birthday with the group of friends that i called my new family.. but in the end, i'm an outcast once again..
it seems like i'll never belong.. it feels like i'm never right for anyone.. i seem to be doing things that other people dislike and that they are still around me simply because they're just tolerating me.. there seems to be something wrong with my attitude, my behaviour and mainly my character.. seems like i dont deserve anything that i have in my life..
i dont deserve my family, my friends and most importantly, johnny.. it's like why do people so accomplished want to spend time and effort on a hopeless person like me.. they'll never get anything good in return so why do it.. they all deserve better than someone like me..
there's something jasper once told me.. he said i shouldn't be too greedy and that i should be happy with what i have and that i'm to treasure them.. i know i should.. but it's just that i'm not someone with a great sense of self-confidence.. i feel inferior.. so i tend to get these kind of security from people around me.. i need acknowledgement from people.. i need people to appriciate me and not take me for granted..
just like during this period of time when the main thing that we do in school is our final year project.. each project needs to have their drawings done in pro-e.. n since everyone knows that i got AD for that module.. although i dont know how they got to know it.. some of them approaches me for help.. besides my group, i've done the complete drawing for another group and helped on 2 other groups.. i'm not asking to take the credit of those drawings.. it's just that i want them to appriciate that i've spent time to help them do it.. and that they should at least show some gratitude about it.. it's like i've done everything as though it's my own work.. it feels as though i'm taken for granted.. i'm definitely willing to help them.. but sometimes, it's nice to have someone say thanks so much for your time and hardwork and that they actually mean it with their heart what they said..
haiz.. forget it.. i'm starting to write this kind of super long essays again.. what am i complaining about.. i have no rights to complain about my life.. i've brought everything on to myself..
blue @ 9:29 PM
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008
i jus started playing with facebook ytd.. as dumb as it seems, i've nv realised how fun n addictive it can ba.. LOL.. i've already had another facebook account long b4 nw.. it's actually under another email address of mine, so it's like even if my frenz add me with my hotmail add, i'm jus lazy to get a new account for it..
so ytd, i was in sch as usual n bored to hell.. jus sutfing the net n watching online clips.. suddenly i jus felt like creating a new facebook account... so i jus did it.. den realised actually so many of my friends already added me.. LOL.. den i started geting lots of invites to alot of applications frm frenz.. LOL..
ever since, i'm hooked.. haha.. the last site i was surfing b4 i went to bed last nice was facebook.. n the first site i started loading tis mornign when i got up was also facebook.. currently, i'm still on facebook.. LOL..
cant believe it's so addictive.. haha..
blue @ 1:01 PM
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Wednesday, January 09, 2008
hm.. nw in sch.. quite bored lah.. was supposed to be going to gym with them.. but decided otherwise.. coz i still hav some work to do.. actually planned to complete those work on monday.. but i ended up watching all the rubbish instead.. was watch movie frm youku n tudou.. so in the end i did nothing..
den ytd also no time.. coz johnny came over in e late morning.. well, i onli woke up when he came so i didnt hav much time to do anithing.. den after he reach, we ate mee siam tat i went downstairs to buy coz he started doing my com.. backuping up tings.. coz he bought a new com, kinda coz of me coz i was kinda saying tat my bro change com le den my com like thousand years old.. everybody got new com den i dun hav.. haha.. so in e end johnny went to get a new one for himself n gav me his old one.. in e end my com still is old de.. haha.. but at least it's much better than my older one.. it's much faster.. so so so much faster.. haha
hm.. dunno y i nw blogging here.. i still hav work to do.. but i'm jus lazy to start.. but i tink after i blog le den i'll start doing it right away.. i cant help it.. shdnt delay animore le.. muz muz start liaoz.. if nt later in the afternoon still muz help deepan do his pro-e.. haiz.. quite sianz tat i hav to help so many pple wif their pro-e.. but nvm lah.. dun care le..
kk.. i go le.. buaiz..
blue @ 8:53 AM
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Saturday, January 05, 2008
it's been so long since i last blog le.. haha..
i've actually been staying over at johnny's place since christmas.. till ytd.. coz his parents went to indonesia.. so we had the whole house to ourselves, except during the weekends when his bro comes home n we muz babysit him.. LOL.. sometimes i tink it's real funny, coz his bro already 20.. serving his ns nw.. he still sometimes like small boy always depend on johnny alot..
johnny is mine to depend on.. LOL.. onli mine.. how can fight for e attension de.. haha.. but sumtimes, cant help it lah.. no matter wat, i'm still nt part of anithing.. so cant complain so much..
nw sch start again le.. everyday muz go sch.. although as usual nothing much to do lah.. but still sianz.. coz nw attendance more impt le.. can say wanna skip so den skip.. summore still got tutorial to do also.. i super lazy.. in the end also will jus copy lah.. heheh...
btw, i got back my papers for my common test le.. results all okay lah.. nt tat bad.. got 100 for e paper tat i was quite confident abt.. but i wasnt the onli one who got it, so nt tat excited or anihting.. but i'm still super happy lah.. ahha.. den the other paper that i thought i might hav done badly.. i got 73.. u kne wat, i tink i might even be the highest mark scorer in class... haha.. i tink lah.. coz i didnt see e others n the highest that i saw was 71.. hm.. but it doesnt really matter if i'm the highest or nt.. coz i'm happy tat i passed the paper.. n it wasnt border line.. hehe..
happy rite.. haha.. hm.. my bday coming le.. dunno wat to do with it.. quite sianz coz i dunno wat the class is gonna do.. are they gonna act blur n forget abt it? or wat.. haiz.. dunno lah.. aniway, the nx day will be my project exhibition day.. so i tink also no time to celebrate ba.. i jus hope johnny will hav time for me coz i was real sad that my 21st bday was super uneventful.. nothing much n worst of all is he wasnt even ard to celebrate it with me.. seriously, it's a regret in my life.. haiz..
hao lah.. i go do abit of work, den muz rest le.. coz tml still muz wake up early n go church.. haiz.. muz go alone is the worst part.. haiz..
blue @ 9:36 PM
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